Starting Again

Well, I have been MIA for months. I had a hemorrhagic cyst present during running training which threw me off of the wagon for 8 weeks. Then I presented with knee pain and swelling. Then I fell off the wagon entirely with eating. I let those things drag me away from what I was doing that was sooooo good for me. I was inspiring people, I was feeling great even if my weight wasn't changing much, and then BAM....flat on my back watching the wagon ride into the sunset.

It's taken some time to get myself to a place mentally where I needed to be in order to start this again. I started writing, hoping to really figure myself out, to figure out why this is such a mental game. That's all weight struggles are, I'm convinced. It's a game we play mentally with ourselves.

Here are some of my recent thoughts:


What is it that drives us deeper into the revolving pit of obsession with being fat, but yet not being able to tackle that fat once and for all? If any of you are like me, which I'm guessing I can't be the only one, we consistently go through these cycles of "I will do this, I will lose 60 pounds this year and shed this fat once and for all." Then what happens? We go gung ho (usually after a nice New Year's resolution) for 2,3,6 or even more months and then flat line. We fall so hard off the wagon, it runs us over and leaves us for dead. Of course, this is a choice we've made, so why is it we continue to make it? Do we love abusing ourselves? Do we love how fat looks in the mirror and that 20 pounds we just shed really looks better hanging over our belts? Certainly not. So, what in the world can we do to get back on the wagon and learn to wear a seatbelt? Seriously people, there has to be some kind of cure! Right?

I speculate that the cure involves much more than we ever bargained for. You hear "calories in, calories out," which in theory is a great theory, but for people with metabolic disorders, PCOS, or thyroid issues, this theory has some other equations. For me, I spent a good 3-4 months solid of calories in and calories out to shed maybe 3 pounds. Yes, I was working out a solid 5-10 hours a week, but I can tell you there wasn't THAT much muscle.

So, what happened? I burnt out. I suffer from PCOS and started having abdominal pain thinking it was a gallbladder issue, only to find out it was a hemorrhagic cyst on my ovary. It hurt to workout, which kept me out of the gym. Then we moved and I began having some knee issues. I cancelled my gym membership, to top it all, because the new house payment on top of another mortgage in another state, made a membership poof from the budget. So, It has been 2.5 months since I have worked out and 2.5 months since I've cared what I put in my mouth. In fact, I've gotten so upset over it all that I've stuffed my face with ice cream, cookies, burgers, onion rings, and all kinds of junk I am fully aware that my body doesn't need. The result? A gain of about 6 pounds. So………why do I continue? That is why I'm here, to figure that out.

I'm fully aware of the science behind weight loss. The proper portions needed at the proper times of day (I've done a lifetime's worth of research on the matter…because I'm always trying to LOSE WEIGHT). I'm aware of what types of foods digest better when with my personal nutritional needs,etc. I have list after list of the do's and don'ts, diet books galore, recipes out the wazoo.

That was about 2 weeks ago. I started logging some daily thoughts along the way as well. I'm finding so much of a link between the mental and the physical. I wasn't fully aware of the intense drive we allow our minds to have when it comes to eating and fitness. The logical side would say that we need to work out and eat well for energy, health, life....but something inside us pulls us the other direction. I'm determined to figure out what "formula" will work for me.

I am wearing my bodybugg again for the first time in months and just this week have been more conscious of what goes in my mouth. Some things I'm implementing:

Eating spinach every day
Eating salads for lunch
No carbs after 2 pm except for fruit
No eating after 9pm
Drink lots of water with lemon (helps detox the liver)
Taking Magnesium, Zinc, and B6 every day

A day's meals might look like this:

Breakfast:
Whey protein scoop (chocolate)
1 banana
2 Tbs cocoa powder
1 tsp honey
14 oz skim milk
2 Tbs flax seed
(blended with ice for a nice delicious smoothie)
376 Calories

Lunch:
1 C. Spinach
1 C. Romaine
1 C. Broccoli
2 slices Roast Beef chopped
1 hard boiled egg
2 Tbs sunflower seeds
2 Tbs Poppyseed dressing
1/2 Avocado
630 Calories

Snack:
1 C. Grapes
1 Tbs. Natural Peanut Butter (Creamy)
215 Calories

Dinner:
I haven't decided what I'm having yet, but it will be carb free. Maybe a small steak and some green beans.

Snack: probably decaf coffee with sugar free coconut syrup and skim milk (filler for those cravings I still have for sugar)

This is not a perfected plan, but this is what I'm starting with. I've ordered a book by Jackie Warner called "This is Why You Are Fat." I know that there are some good suggestions there and I've implemented a couple that I know about, but can't wait to read more of her approach.

My fitness: for now, I'm building back up. 30 minutes a day of cardio (walking, stair stepping, light jogging). I will work my way up to more, but for now, this is where I am ready to be.

Ultimately, it comes down to a couple of key driving factors for me. Obviously I want to be healthy and be around for my kids. Obviously I want to feel better about myself and have a healthy self-image along with more energy etc. Those are standard feelings I think we all have, but not necessarily ones that 'work' in the absence of a real drive like poor test results or someone from the Biggest Loser in your face. My ultimate driving factor is I want to act. Not only act, but star in films. Not only star in films, but be able to get leading or major supporting roles. In order to do that, I have to have a healthy image. There is no beating around that one, that is the industry. I won't be a size 2, but I will tell you that I will never be where I desire to be if I don't do something about this and change my appearance (which changes self-confidence) to be a healthy, fit, sexy 33 year old. End of story.

I also encourage you all to start a journal. Everyone says it, nobody does it. Seriously, not just what you eat, there are a zillion apps for that. Log your FEELINGS. Log your triggers to eat, your excuses. If we aren't fully aware of how we think and the cycles we go through, we will never move past this issue. Not even if we have bypass surgery. We have to fix our minds before we can be cured.